08 – Rachael’s Free Lunch
I really don’t know what I’m doing here with Andrew or what possessed me to come here in the first place but I’m here so what am I supposed to do? I guess I was just following the motions. I don’t know, giving it a try…
After taking that Xanax the other afternoon I went into a coma of sorts and rather than having Sonya waking me up a few hours later for another night out I woke to my phone ringing to find a full day had actually passed and Sonya hadn’t come home. It was actually her call that woke me up. Once realizing I had slept through an entire day in her living room before I had a chance to start freaking out and apologizing Sonya cooled me down and told me it’s cool. Tonight we’ll chill. Then she suggests for me to shower and pick out something from her closet and enjoy the afternoon and we’ll meet up back at her place for a night out. I asked her what I should do for the afternoon. She laughed and asked me if I learned anything. She told me to call a boy and get a free lunch. Being as I still don’t have Donnie’s number, I called the only feasible option.
So yeah, here I am.
Andrew’s a nice enough guy and all, at least from what I remember (a lot has happened since I last saw him on set working as an extra) but for some reason I just want to get the hell out of here. I feel like I really don’t have anything to say to Andrew and I’m guessing whatever he has to say to me won’t be too exhilarating. So like, this totally isn’t worth a free lunch.
“So have you booked any jobs for next week?” Andrew says after god knows how many minutes of dead silence, “I truthfully have been so crazy and all over the place the past two days I haven’t bothered?”
“Booked any jobs?” I ask, genuinely at a loss, “What do you mean?”
To this Andrew goes dull. His eyes wander and I feel like he expected a totally different response from me. After a moment he finally says, “You know, with Central Casting… have you booked any jobs?”
Oh Jesus the extra shit, a thought whispers in my mind without warning – surprising me in a way by how judgmental the tone was but I shake it off and put on a fake smile and say, “Oh no. I’m actually in the same boat you are… been a crazy couple of days.”
“Oh,” he says as if the words crazy couple of days in some way set him off the wrong way. It’s obvious this guy has a crush on me and although I should be flattered I’m actually kind of annoyed, “Been uh, going out and all that. Hitting the town?”
“Just you know, exploring options and seeing what’s out there,” I remember like myself, Andrew is only a few weeks into the LA experience himself, “I’m sure you know exactly what I mean. It’s like every day you learn something new about this city – like what’s out there and available and whatever… you know what I mean?”
He drops his fork and fidgets for his drink – which is a beer as my suggestion – knowing full well moment-one this lunch would be impossible without some liquid lubrication. He gulps his beer and says with genuine excitement, “I know exactly what you mean. I feel like things start to look different with every passing day. Like somehow my perception is changing in some way… Like I remember the first day seeing everything all foreign and new-like, then learning a few things and the same places that once inspired one feeling or thought, are like, I don’t know, different to me know,” he laughs nervously, “I don’t think I’m making any sense at all.”
“Oh no you’re making sense… I just have to squint my ears a bit, but I totally get you.”
To this he laughs like a school-boy and says, “squint your ears, that’s funny”, which I wish to God he hadn’t because now that judgmental whisper I never knew I was capable of having is back and however badly I want to chase it away I can’t… It’s too right…
God this guy is a loser…
“Yeah…” I try to regain my train of thought and somehow maybe contribute to his scattered observation, “It’s like a day in LA is what would be equivalent to a month or even a year in some cases somewhere else. It’s like it only takes one night or one person to change your entire perspective.”
“I seriously know exactly what you mean, and I’m not just saying that to agree like people do, I mean I can actually relate. One day I’m Andrew and then poof, I go out to a new place or learn a new thing or… I don’t know… meet someone special… and everything is different.”
As the words meet someone special exit his lips through a shaking voice an involuntary shudder overcomes me. Again it’s obvious this boy has a crush and although I should see it all as innocent and be flattered but careful not to lead him on, I get the impression, or more like an intuition, that perhaps there’s something deeper going on with Andrew… something that may have been there all along but up until now I’ve failed to see it… whatever, I tell myself, and decide to shake it off for now being as what we’re talking about now is actually something I can relate and aside from a free sandwich and a couple of drinks, I may actually walk out of here gaining something – even if only through casual conversation between two newbies in the big city of dreams.
“Yeah I get what you mean” I say flatly to take away from the weirdness and move the conversation forward, “For instance a week ago I’m doing extra jobs and thinking I’ll be famous in about two months while following my friend Stacy all over the place and today I’m like… I don’t know, it’s hard to say… but it’s almost like I look back to then from now and laugh at myself.”
“I know! It’s like last time we talked, when we first met actually, I’m telling you then how stupid I felt for not knowing what a SAG Voucher was or that whole thing about calling agents in the Yellow Pages – but at that time I’m working as an extra – and now I’m looking back at the days I was an extra and I’m like, what the fuck?”
Possible crush aside, he’s hitting the nail on the head, and for the first time since sitting down across from him I actually feel like I’m getting somewhere – more than that – that someone gets me. It’s a very comforting to find out you’re not the only one.
“Seriously,” I say, “like two nights ago I met this girl Sonya and tell her I’m doing extra work and she kind of rolls her eyes and at the time I have no idea why, right? Then the next morning I wake up, see a few things, and I totally get it.”
“Yeah it’s like that for me with Tad.”
“Who’s Tad?” I ask, hopeful that maybe he’s gay and not in love with me so I can have my first gay friend in LA.
“Oh you met him at the party, you know, the party where we met.”
I don’t remember Tad but am really in no mood to inquire as I fear it will steer away from our current conversation so I lie, “Oh yeah Tad.”
“Yeah, he’s lived here for like ten years at least, so it’s safe to assume he’s been there and done that, you know?”
“My friend Sonya’s the same way. I don’t know if she’s been here ten years, but she’s got her finger on the pulse, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh yeah” he says, “we’re pretty much in the same boat, I’m sure. So what I mean is, you can like, appreciate having someone there to sort veer you away from wasting time.”
“Wasting time?”
“You know what I mean, say we both had to go at all of this alone… you know, go through all the motions without being prepped. It’s like even though they say so many people in this city are full of shit, when you find the diamond in the rough you spare yourself of all those detours and bullshit my Tad and your Sonya went through and just jump right in from where they’re taking off…”
“I guess I see what you’re saying” I say, “For me it’s less about wasting time and more about realizing the time I’ve wasted. It’s like all my life I went one way and thought one thing and then I meet someone or do something or see something and overnight I realize everything I once thought made up who I am and who I wanted to become was all wrong… and now it’s time to start over… the right way… and I’m able to assure myself it’s right knowing what I once thought to be right is wrong, and seeing now through these new things there’s another way…”
Andrew takes a breath and looks away. I suspect he has no idea what I just said – simply on account I have no idea what I just said. It sort of just came out… leading me to believe whatever it was, was true.
“It’s like this city and the people and the places and all of that…” he says in a way to suggest he understands me (probably faked but maybe not) and then with a smile muses, “It’s like it all changes you. This city I mean… and all that comes with it.”
“People always say that, you know?” I say, “They always paint LA as this bad place and are all like beware…” I put large emphasis on beware and then switch the tone of my voice to my father’s mockingly, “be careful out there in Los Angeles… don’t let them go changing you…” I start laughing.
“Yeah like changing from who I was is such a bad thing…” he says.
“Tell me about it,” I say, at last really enjoying our conversation, “and who’s to say we even knew who we were in the first place? Or better yet, who’s to say our families even knew who we were – or are for that matter? I mean isn’t that the whole point of it all? To grow up, leave home, and venture out into the real world to find out who we really are?”
“That’s how it should be, at least that’s how I see it. But for most people – it’s not. They actually do that whole thing. I used to call it ‘The Big C’” Andrew says with a new blend of energy in his voice – void of his initial stalker vibe.
“The Big C,” I inquire, “Isn’t that a dusty term for Cancer?”
He laughs, “It might as well be, but in our case it stands for compromise.”
I don’t really follow and I can see Andrew catches the cue. He continues—
“Like you said before, the whole bit about how we’re supposed to go out into the world and find ourselves… Well logically that’s what we’re supposed to do, but most people don’t. Think about the order you said: grow up, go to school, go out in the real world and find ourselves? All that’s fine and dandy when it’s our choice, but more times than not it isn’t. At least for most people?”
“And we’re not most people?”
“No.”
“What separates us then?”
“We change.” He says with a smile, waits for a response from me (which he doesn’t get) and continues, “Look, it’s like you said. Grow up, go to school, tackle the world. But think about it! When you’re growing up what do you hear? Go to school. When you’re in school what do you hear? Do well in school and go to college so you can get a good job. For those of us that go to college, it’s not so much we hear a new rap like do well in college for a better job, but rather something more underlined and deeper…”
“What’s that?”
“The time we spend in college, that’s the time we convince ourselves that we’re growing up and earning our independence and finding ourselves when in reality we’re not. We’re still coloring by the numbers. And then one day four years pass and we’re out of college and all we’re waiting for is someone to tell us what to do next.”
He may be a dork, yes. He may just be an extra, like they say, but shit, I was one two days ago. Even if he has a crush on me (along with zero chance mind you) I have to give him one thing, he’s making a hell of a lot of sense…
Taking his words and applying them to my own life I’m a little speechless. This goes from free sandwich and drinks to a therapy session. Unsure of what to say I offer, “I never went to college. I mean I started, but it wasn’t my thing…”
“Exactly my point,” he says while pointing out our empties to the waitress suggesting they should be filled, “It wasn’t your thing. And although you had no idea what you were in for coming out here, something told you this is where you belonged. Just like me. And now that we’re out here we’re learning new things… we find ourselves changing with every passing day…”
The waitress brings up refills that I wouldn’t have noticed if Andrew hadn’t stopped in the middle of his sentence to have a sip. And it’s during this pause I think to myself, this way of thinking is how the Sonya’s of the world are made. Not saying Andrew is a Sonya by any means or will he ever be, but he sees something others don’t. Looking at Andrew down his glass, despite his words of age and experience, all I see outside is a little boy. And although I’m agreeing with and hanging on to every word I can’t stop wondering how is it that this guy who seems to have it all worked out, lives his life and presents himself as the contrary. Is he just another in a long line of people who can’t take their own advice?—
“I could go on forever,” he jumps back on his train of thought, “but I’m sure you get the picture.”
“I think so” I say, “It’s like I go on Facebook and Myspace and look up friends from high school that did the college thing and were popular and all that and every one of them is living back at home. I actually get emails from people I was basically strangers with during school wondering how LA is… It’s kinda weird.”
“It’s funny is what it is. Here’s a group of people that will spend the rest of their lives doing what they’re told. Because doing what you’re told is comfortable, it’s easy.”
“I can already guess what comes next for them,” I say, “jobs, marriage, kids”—
“And then there’s always more” he cuts me off, “Car, apartment to house, pools, better jobs, better cars, more kids, appliances, retirement plans, country clubs, vacations, brunches”—
“And then the kids grow up,” I now cut him off, “and it becomes all about them – giving them a better life”—
“Where in the beginning you assure yourself all those compromises you made were so your children wouldn’t have to do the same.” He takes another gulp from his glass, wipes his mouth, and concludes, “that is of course until they turn eighteen and you tell them to go to college like you did… You tell them, stay away from California, it will change you, go to school and get a job…” he pauses for a beat to gather a large grin and says through it mockingly, “start a family…”
And without thinking, on the same track as Andrew I say in a daze, “And with that the circle of life continues…”
“The circle of compromise…” he says and with that leans back to finish his drink with an accomplished grin about his face – patting himself on the belly as if he’s bloated with wisdom-laced-pride.
Like a real man…
Yet still, all I see is a boy.
“You seem very passionate about all of this,” I say, “Your little outlook on life that is.”
“I’m just used to being that guy going against the current… always being accused of changing like it’s a bad thing.”
“And your contention is for the ninety-nine-percentile change is bad because they never gave it a shot?” I ask him in a semi-loaded way.
“Not so much that, but more so that change to most people is something foreign… something scary… or better yet, inside the bubble of their routine lives, something unrealistic.”
“You seems to have all the answers” I start to say as the waitress crowds over our table.
“It’s the end of my shift” the waitress tells Andrew, “and I have to close out your tab. You guys can stay as long as you want, but I have to close you out on what I’ve served you.”
“No problem,” Andrew says as he reaches for his wallet – flashing me a look as if to say it’s all on me babe – then says, “Don’t reach for your money. This one’s on me?”
Not that I was reaching for anything I force a smile and say thank you. Andrew smiles back. From his wallet he digs up a credit card and hands it to the waitress face down. She takes it and makes way for the register.
The air around us goes stale for a beat until Andrew says, “What were you saying?”
“Nothing, I was kind of joking. It’s just like you’ve had this conversation before.”
“You have no idea…” he says, obviously drunk and loose, “if you only knew how many times I’ve had this conversation with Lauren”—
He freezes – giving off the impression he’s gone too far – said the wrong thing.
“Lauren?” I ask with feigned naivety, “Do I know her too? Like Tad?”
“No uh…” Andrew fumbles all over the place – eyes scanning the room for someone to help – knowing full well no one is there.
I say nothing. Smile.
“Lauren is…” he manages, “Lauren is actually my girlfriend. She came out here with me. It’s a long story… She’s uh… having troubles with the city… with me… she thinks I’m changing… whatever.”
He talks about his girlfriend almost as if he’s ashamed of her – or worse – as if he’s afraid my knowledge of her will ruin any chances he may have with me (which are zero). Honestly, if I were like Sonya, I’d say something like, and how does Lauren feel about you having lunch with other girls, or better yet, Don’t act like it’s such a big deal that I know you have a girlfriend, ten minutes ago I suspected Tad was your gay lover. At least now I know you’re straight… but instead I take the ‘old me route’ – giving Andrew benefit of the doubt in assuming he’s here with me now strictly as friends wanting nothing more – with my suspicions of him crushing on me being only that, suspicions – and say passive-aggressivly, “well like you said, people are foreign to change. If you’re not going to compromise in your life, let her know that. She’ll be fine. She just needs time to adjust to the way you may be changing… or thinks your changing…”
“Oh I’m changing,” he says very coldly as if trapped in his mind, “she’s right about that.”
“So your solution is simple, just show her through your actions that the change she sees is for the better not the worst.” I say.
“She’s the type to think any change is for the worst,” he says, obviously falling from the pedestal he was on minutes ago while preaching off the fumes of alcohol and ego, “No matter how I try there’s no getting around that. I feel like we’ve been growing apart. Like something’s changed with her. She used to have… I don’t know… so much faith in me.” He reaches across the table and actually grabs my drink and gulps it almost to its end, replaces it as if nothing happened, and says “I wish she were more like you. You know, more on my same page…”
What an asshole, I think to myself – this time not the judgmental whisper – I would conclude this pre-Sonya any day. Here the jerk is one moment preaching how people change and how he and I are alike because we’re able to change yet at the same time is able to state without doubt Lauren – his girlfriend – is incapable of changing…
What a fucking little boy he is…
And with every passing moment all these things I once questioned are becoming so clear. I think of all that I’ve experienced and seen and heard over the past few days and as I put it all together a light flashes and—
“Here’s your receipt,” the waitress says, returning with Andrew’s credit card, “Just remember anything else you get will be from a new server, so any tip you want to leave you need to sign for now… you know, as far as I’m concerned.”
Andrew is still lost in the haze of his thoughts – Lauren-town I suspect – and has failed to hear a single word the waitress has said. Rather than wait for Andrew to snap out of his coma, I take the black-leather envelope from the waitress and thank her.
And then out of the blue—
Andrew snaps out of it and attempts to snatch the leather envelope from my hand. Understandably surprised and startled by his sudden movement, I drop the envelope and it falls to the floor.
The envelope goes his way, the credit card inside goes mine.
I pick up the credit card and hand it to a shaken Andrew.
And in handing the card to Andrew I notice something (which I carefully fail to give off any impression to Andrew I had actually seen) and everything I’ve questioned and heard and have seen makes sense to me…
All of it…
And in a sense Andrew’s right – all it takes is one moment, one person, one thing – to spark the flame that allows one to find themselves…
But in my case, it took a series of people, events, conversations, etc to not only find the idea of who I want to be, but how to go about getting that idea as well.
In short time, almost as if fate had designed it to be so, I’ve met a Sonya and a Donnie and an Andrew.
Despite his words, looking at Andrew I see a hypocrite – weak, frightened, and hopeless – hiding behind his philosophies to feel secure about himself… to keep him going.
And in contrast I think of Donnie, although a stranger, with one glance it’s evident he’s the real deal. The complete opposite of Andrew – or more specifically – the very person Andrew wishes he could be.
Andrew may have all the right ideas and all the right answers to support his ideas, but he lacks something the Donnie’s and Sonya’s of the world have… and what he lacks is something he’ll never be able to obtain – simply on account he’d never humble himself to see it. But I see it.
Earlier when Andrew first began this little rant of his, I thought to myself that his ideas are what birth the Sonya’s of the world. Yet at the same time, despite his passion with every word and however much he may think he believes in them, I still saw a hopeless little boy.
And then there’s a Donnie. The type of guy that may think what Andrew thinks, but doesn’t feel the need to tell anyone about it. He doesn’t care what others think. Like Sonya, he knows what he wants and he takes it… but again, there’s more there (which I’m just now realizing)…
And then there’s the Sonya’s, who much like Donnie have it figured out much like Andrew – and like Donnie – live the life people like Andrew only have enough strength to preach. But Sonya still takes it to the next level and lives her life through a cause. A mission.
I remember her words – words that made sense but I couldn’t quite hold onto one-hundred-percent – until now…
Fuck them before they fuck you…
Two days ago if Andrew and I had this very same lunch I would have been inspired by him. Two hours ago if we had the same lunch I would have been weary of his words, but after hearing them, would have felt sorry for taking advantage of him.
Two minutes ago when the check fell… everything changed.
And it all fit together.
And for this pitiful creature I feel nothing.
At first it was hard for me to buy into Sonya’s philosophies whole-heartedly –the idea that men are shit and deserve to be taken advantage of – that they’re all out for themselves… the idea that love is dead. But now after having encountered Andrew along with the likes of Sonya and the idea of Donnie, I’m able to now see all angles and through this vision, I’ve changed.
Sonya’s right, men are shit. And most of the time, no matter how they may seem at the surface, inside there’s always a secret – always some intention benefiting them and them alone. Sure there’s exceptions, Donnie for instance, but there’s reasons for this.
Here’s Andrew, sitting across from me and smiling and thinking he has it all figured out with that little speech of his I’m sure he’s told a million different girls the same way – almost as if he’s rehearsed it. It’s clear to me now more than ever what really lies behind the eyes of most every man on the planet – and more importantly – what’s lacking.
Honesty and confidence.
Sure Andrew presents himself as if he’s got his finger on the pulse, like he’s on his way up. When the truth is, he’s just too blind to notice the only way for people like him is down. It’s obvious why Andrew has it all figured out but still gives himself off as a twit, a child, completely lost – because although he may know how to talk and rationalize all his bullshit – he lacks the courage and confidence in himself to actually follow through.
That’s what separates the men from the boys.
The Donnie’s from the Andrews.
Like Andrew, I’m sure Donnie shares the same philosophies on life, but he doesn’t go around announcing them to the world. People like Donnie (and Sonya too) don’t have to. It’s the Andrew’s and the other pricks out there like that Cal guy from last night that need to tell people why they’re so special. When in reality they’re just flat-out scared.
The Donnie’s and Sonya’s of the world not only know what they want from life, but have the confidence in themselves to get whatever they need. They don’t need to put up fronts. They don’t need to tell stories or put on a smile or buy a big car or pick up the fucking check. Who they are, what they do, and how they go about life speaks for itself.
In a city filled to the brim of people wanting to fit in – obsessed of how strangers see them – these two anomalies simply don’t care.
They’ve grown.
They’ve changed.
And although Andrew is wrong in so many ways – he was right about one thing – all it takes is one insignificant moment to change someone’s entire perspective.
For me it was seeing the name on the credit card used to pay for our lunch…
Lauren.
Another in a long line of girls who allowed themselves to get fucked first…
