09 – Tads Big Break(Down)
I’m not sure if I’m getting ahead of myself but I think I must have nailed my audition out the park if the Casting Agent asked for a few minutes to meet with me in private – which he did (and where I am now waiting for his return) – and careful not to show off any signs of excitement (bouncy knees of the like) I continue to steady my mindset to that of my characters.
After what had to have been at least fifteen-minutes the Casting Agent enters his office where he’s had me waiting, clears his throat, and says, “Sorry about the wait there Tad, I just needed to clearify a few issues before having this face-time”.
“Not a problem at all” I say, wondering if I should have stood from my seat when he entered the room even though it’s too late for that as he’s already seated at his desk across from me.
“That was quite a reading there Tad, I’m going to be frank with you, you left a lot of impressed people in that office, I assure you.”
“I couldn’t begin to tell you how glad to hear that I am…” I start to say.
“Yes I’m quite sure it’s all very exciting for you,” The Casting Agent says as he puts on his glasses, shifts in his chair, and again clears his throat, “I’ve just been taking a look at the resume your agency sent over and well…”
“I know there are a few gaps here and there.”
“Moreover than the gaps of time, the question is in experience…”
My stomach drops and I’m sure I’m sweating and trembling but somehow snuff the fear and manage to say, “I know it’s a short list, but that isn’t to say I haven’t been working… I mean I’ve been at acting since before I can remember – and the talent, the talent is there – just the work… well…”
“Isn’t” the Casting Agent finishes my sentence for me.
“And allow me to address that without coming from the wrong end or anything, it’s just, ten years in this town life has its way of getting in the way.”
“Sure, I can understand that, a man has to eat…”
“And as bad as it is to say, if I were like half the kids in this town with parents to send rent money each month I’m sure my resume would be stronger and—“
“As I’m sure it would be…” the Casting Agent starts, then says, “And let me tell you something Tad, your resume isn’t an issue. Part of your allure for this particular role is we’re looking to go with an unknown with some years of experience behind them… so don’t fear, you’re what we’re looking for it’s just…”
Oh Christ, I think to myself, the want to go younger… I’m too fucking old!
“It’s just…” The Casting Director continues on, “When I was first presented your headshot I was certain I had seen you somewhere before. Frankly, that’s why you’ve cut around some of the corners and are here with us today… yet after looking over the work you’ve been involved with, I just couldn’t place for the longest time where it was I recognized you…”
“You know” I interrupt, “I’ve been in at least two-dozen commercials where I didn’t get any credit for, so like, you know, maybe it was…”
“It’s not that Tad…” The Casting Agent says with a frown suggesting something more serious.
I’m frozen. Shocked. What the fuck is going on.
“You used a funny choice of words a moment ago,” the Casting Agent finally breaks the silence, “When you said, life got in your way or however you put it…”
“Yeah what I meant by that was I’ve been so busy over the past ten years or so but it isn’t to say I’m not experienced enough for this role…”
“And as I said your experience isn’t in question at all. I mean lets be serious for a second here, the two of us, this is a TV pilot after all. We’re not exactly raking-over the A-list.”
Not at all sure if I should respond feeling insulted or not I manage only a very inquisitive, “Oookay?”
“Let me ask you a question Tad, if you don’t mind me getting a little personal?”
“Not at all” I’m fucking trembling.
“What exactly have you been doing for a living over the years, I mean you’ve already made clear you don’t receive money from your family… so how do you earn your income.”
“Odds and ends really” I choke out, “A catering job here, background work when I can get it… really a mix of anything.”
The Casting Agent says nothing to this for a moment. Removes his glasses. Squeezes his brow. Sighs. Then—
“Have you ever been inside an office like mine?”
“You mean like an executives office?”
“Sure” he responds.
“Not really. I mean not in the business sense. This business I mean.”
“Well I suppose where I’m driving at isn’t exclusive to the entertainment business. I mean any private office really…”
“Well I guess so, sure.”
“I’m sure you have” he says, “What I’m getting at is when you take a look around my office you’ll see something missing where most offices have… you know what that is?”
I take a look around the office for a minute then jokingly offer, “An Emmy?”
To this he smiles, then says, “Funny but not where I’m headed.”
I’m clueless and he sees it.
“You see any pictures of family members around the office, Tad?”
“I’m sorry?”
“You know, pictures of the family. Every office has various knick-knacks here and there of their home-life. Do you see any around my office?”
“Now that you bring it up, no not really…”
“What would you say if I told you there’s a reason for this… a reason I’m sure you’re aware of… A reason you can understand…”
Head swimming I say, “I’m afraid I still don’t understand…”
“Well then if you don’t mind Tad, I’ll be frank again with you to save us some time,” The Casting Agent stands from his desk and paces with hands behind his back, “Pictures of the wife and kids and grandkids and all that good stuff, you won’t find those here on account my home-life is of a different sort… the sort one doesn’t flaunt in the open, if you catch my meaning…”
Where is this guy going? Did I land the role or not?
“This being Hollywood and all” the Casting Agent goes on, “it’s understandable that some of us live different life-styles. In fact half this business is full of people like myself, but we don’t flaunt it. It’s like the military – don’t ask, don’t tell – are you following me so far Tad?”
“I think so” I say, “But I don’t really see what this has to do with the part…”
“About the part, Tad, before I go any further, let me tell you off the bat you nailed it. It’s yours if you want it.
To this I light up, “Well I want it sir, make no mistake.”
“I’m sure you do without any doubt, believe me.”
So I did get the part, I wonder to myself, what the fuck is going on?
“In fact Tad that’s the whole point of this little chat we’re having,” The Casting Agent says in an unfitting cold tone, “As far as the others are concerned, you’ve got the part. In fact the only thing between you and a contract is, well, me…”
And normally I’d be ecstatic to hear the preceding words come out any Casting Agent’s mouth, for some reason, I don’t feel right. For reasons unknown the knot in my stomach wrenches tighter.
“You look a bit confused.”
“To be honest with you sir, I am…”
“Honesty, the actor’s greatest and most powerful resource…” The Casting Agent says with a deep sigh. Quiet in the air.
“I called you in here Tad because I wanted you to know personally that I – me – the person before you in a sense holds the door to your future in hand… are you following so far?”
“I’m pretty sure… You’re in so many words the man.”
“Yes Tad,” he says amused, “I am the man… I’m the man holding the door open for you and telling you to come on in…”
To this I smile…
“Just long enough mind you,” he continues, “so you get as close as possible to the door to really feel the sting when it’s slammed shut on your nose…”
My world is on opposite ends. I’m about to vomit. What’s going on here?
“You see I was certain I recognized you from somewhere in the past Tad, and after seeing you here in the flesh it’s all clear now… although I’m certain you’ve long forgotten, I want you to know I remember. And because of this, you can forget any dreams you may have had in the past or upcoming present of getting on my show, or any other I have anything to do with in the future for that matter…”
I want to believe this guy’s fucking with me. It has to be that. No one could be so flat our cruel… and from what I gather so far, is this guy for whatever reason, plans to intentionally fuck up my life and as my world is set on stun and I can’t forge any words together to respond to this man all I can do is stay in place – stuck to my chair and hanging on his every word.
“You see Tad I’m never wrong, when it comes to faces that is, I suppose that’s why I have the job I do… You could say I get paid to assign faces… faces in which I’m familiar… and as I said earlier, your face Tad is very familiar.”
“I’ve been told I look like a lot of people. The other day a tourist had me confused with Don Johnson if you can believe it…”
“And you continue to joke, when it’s all so apparent I’m not laughing…” The Casting Agent says coldly, “Do I look like I’m joking with you Tad?”
“No sir.”
“I suppose if you enjoy irony as much as I then there could be a degree of humor to be taken from all of this when you look at it right… I mean here you are at my will – completely oblivious to what’s coming around the corner.”
“I’d like it if you filled me in…”
“Funny choice of words…”
Oh God, I think to myself, don’t tell me he’s a fucking trick…
“There’s a reason I brought up my personal life and yours Tad. You can feed that catering and background shit to the folks back home but I know better…” he gets right up next to me and says, “… I remember you…”
“I think maybe you have me confused with someone else…”
“November of ’99 I was living up in a quaint little house on the hill. I was nowhere near at the success level I am know, but then around the age you are now, I was well on my way…”
I search my memory banks while he goes on his diatribe and come up empty…
“This was of course before the days of Craigslist and the internet and my tastes, my particular private tastes in which I don’t make public to my associates, these were tastes one had only a number of resources to turn to – why with the need of discretion involved…”
Christ he was a fucking John, I think to myself but can’t still for the life of me remember.
“And it comes to no surprise to me you fail to remember the event,” The Casting Agent goes on to say, “But that’s not to say it didn’t happen…”
“Look…” I start to say not knowing quite where to head, “It’s very obvious you have me mixed up…”
“You went by Johnny, worked out of a calling service out of Van Nuys. It was a late night and you were new to their stable but came recommended so I took a risk. And in the beginning we had done for one another what’s to be expected. I had needs. You needed money. We accommodated one another. It was you however who decided to break the trust of consumer/producer when you walked out with my drugs and a now archaic but then quite pricy think book computer.”
And then it all comes back to me… one fucking night I was down and out almost ten years ago and it comes back to haunt me now…
“By the change of expression in your eyes I see I may be jogging up some memories of the past” he says with a smile.
Now clearly able to recall the moment in question I feel sick to my stomach. The Casting Agent drones on, but only half of me is listening. I know when I’ve been defeated. I won the battle. The war however is fucked…
“… I know it all seems a little strange and almost juvenile of me to go through these lengths Tad,” he goes on, “But with all your years in this city, I wanted to be the one to school you on a little fact I’m sure up until now you weren’t the least bit aware of…” he returns to his desk, props his legs up, and says very carefully, “As big a place this is, this is a small fucking city…”
I try my best to chime in and come up empty. Swing and a miss.
“… Believe me I understand, you were young, green, and needed to make a living… but I want you to know Tad there are other ways to go about it. You may have lived in this city for ten years but you Tad haven’t worked for anything despite what you may believe. I’m sure on your way to this reading you had somewhere in that mind of yours the idea this would be your big break. Where all the shit you’ve gone through finally paid off. I want you to know Tad, those dreams, they do happen in this city. But only for those whom deserve them. You said it yourself Tad, you’ve lived here ten years! And here you are at last faced with a break and it’s all gone down the toilet. I want to be the one to tell you why that is Tad…”
“And why is that?” I say trembling – fists clenched.
“Because you chose the easy way out – and what’s worse – you convinced yourself all these years somehow you actually deserve what I can so easily give you… a second chance…”
“Ten years ago… it was something that happened ten years ago…”
“And I’m sure you’re still up to the same tricks, if you can forgive the pun…”
Frozen I say nothing.
“So I guess we’re through laughing and joking around? Or at least you are. I’m still enjoying the irony…”
I fade out… my mind and body and soul have already checked out…
“For ten years you’ve given all of yourself away in pursuit of this very day only to have the entire dream shatter before you… all on account of a mistake of your own design…”
“You did this, Tad” his words echo in my brain, “You fucked yourself ten years ago and have been running around like a chicken without a head ever since… oblivious that sooner or later you’d run into me only to find you were finished before you even got started…”
“It’s all been for nothing…”
“Best of luck Tad. But for this role, we’re going to have to pass…”
In my car it takes thirty minutes to compose myself to the point I feel safe enough to hit the road. My emotions are flaring. I’m furious.
It’s all been for nothing.
Every cock, every trick, every day I promised a new tomorrow… nothing.
And that bastard upstairs just smiled. My life in his hands and crushed before him… and he smiles?
What kind of evil…? And these are the successful ones…
Here is a man who hired boys to fuck around with and got ripped off and takes it out on me? In what position is he possibly in to be so self-righteous?
The way he put it all out there, how I was done before getting started, I wonder – is this how it is? Is this what it’s all about? Come out to LA, fuck-up once we burn you at the stake?
And here I was an hour ago looking to put behind me my past for a bright future – only to find myself the opposite – consumed by my past with no future in sight…
Ten years wasted. Another ten years senseless to pursue…
Is this the sum of it all? Is this what I should tell young Andrew to look forward to?
Evil people with evil secrets make it while the rest of us stupid and weak enough to have a dream are cursed to beg for crumbs…
And as I sit here thinking about this city and how many flat out bad people I’ve seen succeed while I look at myself and the Andrew’s of the world and how much we really want it but just can’t get it… only to wake up in a parking lot to find the mistakes of the past never go away…
…and I swim in anger looking for someone to blame for all of this…
…and I tell myself someone has to pay for the way the world’s become… I may be over, but I’m not finishe…My job now is to make someone pay…
…And as if in a movie, just as the thought comes to mind, driving past me in all his glory is Donnie Ramo…Classic example of a Vampire primed to succeed in this city if only given the chance…
…A chance he and so many like him have taken away from others with no consequences at all…
Well, I think to myself as I start my car with Donnie on the brain, that’s all about to change…
…With all of us like myself and Andrew who flush our dreams down the toilet at the expense of the Donnie’s of the city, someone has to pay… And example has to be made…
…And I’m destined to make that example – the hope being I can stop one of them to save another…
…Where even at the end I can still make a mark – making an example of the evil in the city, I can save the meek like Andrew – who unlike me hasn’t had the time to fuck his life up…
…And once I clean the city of the darkness, the Andrew’s of the world will be free to fuck their lives up on their own… With no one to blame and me to thank…
…I’m not through with this town just yet. It may be sunny outside, but I know how cold a place this city can be to live…
