10 – Andrew’s Eye for Drama
Lauren says the drama I invite into my life is my way of coping with not making it as an actor yet. I say it’s only been a few months. The bitch is totally unrealistic. In one respect however she is right: I do create drama in my life intentionally – not to compensate for failure as she’d believe – but rather to train and hone my actor’s instrument.
Lauren could never in three life-times possibly comprehend the inner workings of the artist’s psyche, and because of this, she writes-off what can’t be understood by assessing blame… It’s far too hard to put into words – the way Lauren sees the world differently than I – and because of this I give up and break my line of thought.
I like to look at certain situations in my life as if through the lens of a camera. Drama isn’t exclusive to film and screen after all. I believe if we find it in our lives (whether created or not) we should embrace every available moment.
Dragging myself through the hall leading to our apartment I can already visualize a wide-shot of myself – the hero – tattered and beat from a long night on the street. In the background “Don’t Kiss Me Goodbye” by Ultra Orange & Emmanuelle sets the mood and soundtrack to the real-life-scene I’m certain to walk into within moments time… A scene Lauren would accuse of being my design…
And through my eyes so different from her own the scene begins:
WIDE-SHOT of ANDREW. He DRAGS himself toward his apartment. At the door he hesitates a moment – cringing and ill-prepared for the scene to unfold.
After a few DEEP BREATHS he composes himself and opens the door.
CUT TO:
INT. LAUREN & ANDREW’S STUDIO – CONTINUED
Andrew STUMBLES into the dark studio lit only by a few scattered candles.
Tucked in a dark corner is LAUREN – Banging away at her laptop – hardly the wiser to Andrew’s entrance… she has better things to do…
ANDREW
I can’t see a thing. What are you doing?
In the zone, Lauren IGNORES Andrew… fingers dancing around the keyboard.
Andrew fumes.
ANDREW (CONT’D)
So you’re ignoring me now is that it?
Eyes glued to screen, Lauren wraps-up a final thought.
LAUREN
I’m working…
Lauren’s distant. Focused on her writing… nothing else matters. Andrew picks up on this.
ANDREW
Working huh?
Andrew TURNS ON THE OVERHEADS.
Lauren BREAKS from her creative trance and she’s FURIOUS. She shoots Andrew the what-the-fuck-eyes.
And with the lights on and Lauren fuming the scene crashes as we
SMASH CUT BACK TO REALITY:
Lauren slams her computer shut and sighs out of frustration and I’m not buying her act for a second – this whole I’m too busy for Andrew (me) shit – so as I make way for the fridge I say with a smirk, “What’s with the fit? All I did was turn the lights on. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is you Andrew; I couldn’t care less about the lights. I told you I was working and you just go about your business. You’re inconsiderate and I’m tired of it.”
And she calls me the drama-queen, I think to myself as I pop open a Boddingtons from the fridge and bring a few gulps home. With booze fresh in the system I say belligerently, “Since when did you become so serious over little shit? It’s as if you’re trying to pick a fight again.”
“Believe me Andrew,” she says, “Fighting with you is the last thing I need right now. Not that I could ever convince you otherwise.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re impossible to live with. Everything’s about you. And what’s worse is you’re so self-centered you don’t even realize it…”
“Cut me a fucking break will you please? I am so not in the mood for this shit right now” I say.
“And you think I am? Truth is I could do without you all together. Shouldn’t you be out networking yourself right now?”
“Are you serious?” I snap between sips, “This coming from someone always harping how I’m never around and this and that…”
Lauren smiles and plops on the futon and says like a real bitch, “Please Andrew, that ship sailed a long time ago.”
“So what am I doing here right now? Can’t you see I’m trying to make an effort here”—
“Please” Lauren cuts me off, “You and I both know you’re just going through the motions.”
“I’m trying to make things work here between us” I lie.
“Now you’re just being a bad actor. You haven’t tried since the day we moved here and we both know it. I just took a little more time to catch up to you…”
“And to that I’m supposed to take what? I mean, like, I don’t know, what are you telling me? We’re over?”
“Since we moved here we weren’t anything. You can’t end something that never existed in the first place.”
“Again with the Sylvia Plath routine” I say, “And you wonder why I do my best to stay away…”
“I gave up wondering and caring after week two. I saw this coming, I just wasn’t ready to accept it.”
“So that’s it, we’re over and it’s all my fault, just like that? Never mind my going out there each day trying to make things better for us or my attempts in trying to get back what we had – it’s just all Andrew. I’m the asshole and Lauren’s decided to call it quits just like that”—
“Oh wake up Andrew” Lauren cuts me off, “Don’t you ever get tired of playing victim all the time? Coming up with excuse after excuse? If you’re so unhappy with how life is turning out and you’re looking for someone to blame why not take a look in the mirror…”
I make way for the futon with beer in hand and take a seat beside Lauren. She jumps from her spot and paces the apartment wanting distance between us. The apartment is still for a beat or two. Lauren’s pacing. I take a few more swigs. Finally I say in a deflated tone (that I’m faking), “I don’t even know why I bother…”
“You see Andrew there’s the thing, you don’t bother. You never have. Sure maybe we had something but whatever that was is gone now. Since coming here you’ve just given up…”
“I’ve given up!” I exclaim somewhat irritated (if she only knew the shit I’ve gone through and seen), “I’m out there every fucking day doing what…” I choke mute for a beat, the image of Tad getting sucked-off by a fag comes to mind. I chase the thought away and continue, “…doing what I have to do for us. It’s been that way from the beginning, you’ve just shut yourself in and can’t see pass the little fantasy world you’ve created for yourself.”
“No Andrew you’ve been out there doing what’s best for you. If you’d only take your head out of the clouds you’d see what I see – a selfish asshole who not only cares only about himself, but actually cons himself into believing his own shit. I don’t doubt you believe you’re in the clear here, when the fact of the matter is you’re not. You’ve managed to believe your own lies. And I suppose for an actor that’s a good thing, but let’s face facts – you’re not an actor – at least not yet. Instead you’re just a scared little boy who’s living in a fantasy world. And that makes you dangerous, to believe your own lies like that, I really believe you could go on living this way for the rest of your life.”
I can’t believe my fucking ears. I’m fuming inside while outside I present myself as cool and collected as I say carefully, “I have a career to pursue. A dream. Can’t you see I’m out there trying to build a life for us? I mean, at least I’m out there. I have goals. I have a dream. At least I’m working for something, no matter the cost, and hate me for that if you have to, but I do what has to be done. And truth be told, if you want to go tit-for-tat here, at least I’m not locked away in the dark because I’m too scared to face the real world.”
“I hate to be the one to break this to you but you haven’t lived in the real world since the day I met you” Lauren says coldly like she really means it.
“I’m out there every day chasing a dream… my dream. That has to count for something! At least I haven’t given up like 99 percent of the world does. You just don’t see it. This is my dream Lauren, and it has been since before I can remember. I don’t know about you but I can’t just walk away from my dreams…”
“You’re chasing a pipe-dream Andrew,” Lauren says sympetheticly, “Just like 99 percent of this city. And they’re all after the same thing you are. And just like the rest of them, you’ve somehow convinced yourself that you’re different… that you’re special. When the fact of the matter is, this little dream of yours has you so blind you can’t see it isn’t real. And worse of all, because of this dream of yours you’ve managed to chase away anything real you ever had… And one day you’ll wake up with nothing and no one… just the same dream.”
“Yeah well maybe you’re right” I say, truly considering her words, “Maybe I am chasing everything away… and if that’s the case I’m okay with it. You call it chasing away what’s real, I call it sacrifice. What would it say about me if I weren’t willing to sacrifice everything in pursuit of my dream… to serve a greater purpose…”
“Oh Andrew…” Lauren sighs and shakes her head, “There is no greater purpose, not for you, the only purpose you serve is your own.”
“And for the sake of argument let’s say you’re right” I say, doing the best I can to ignore the emotions and thoughts this new Lauren invokes within, “At least I can say I have a dream. At least I can say I actually want something from life. And whether I make it or not, at least I can say I tried. If anything I can say I did my best. Where you on the other hand have nothing to strive for – no dreams, no passion – you’re just… there. You exists, that’s all. So sure, maybe I am chasing a pipe-dream. But at least I’m giving it a go”—
“And you’re certain the same can’t be said about me?” Lauren cuts me off.
“Look at yourself, Lauren. What do you do? What’s your dream? What do you want from life? And what can you honestly say you’ve done in all your time on earth to achieve what you want? Riddle me that?”
Lauren’s lips tremble. Tears leak. She falls to the floor on her knees and says through tears, “I had a dream once… something I wanted from life…”
“Oh yeah what was that?”
“You, you fucking asshole! You were all I wanted, you were all I needed. And despite all we’ve gone through lately, seeing clearly that we – my dream of us – was slipping away I fought hard to keep the dream alive. But my dream requires two players, and let’s face it, you threw in the towel before we even got started.”
I watch Lauren cry on the floor and want to tell her how sorry I am and hug and kiss her but I’m no fool, I know I’ve gone too far, there’s no turning back. So rather than doing the right thing I regress and coldly say, “That’s where you fucked up – relying on someone else to make your dreams come true. And that’s why we’d never work out. We’re opposites. When it comes to what I want from life I’m capable of doing it all on my own. You’re not. You always have and always will need someone else. You’re just not strong enough to go it solo.”
“And I suppose you’re strong enough to do it all on your own? You don’t need anyone’s help – that’s what you’re telling me right?”
“Look around you” I say gesturing around the apartment, “I get things done. And I do it all myself. I don’t ask for any help and haven’t gotten any for years… Can you honestly say the same thing about yourself? Honestly, where would you be without me?”
Lauren goes mute for a beat. Takes a couple deep breaths. Smiles. Then says calm and cool, “I can say one thing for certain, without having met you I wouldn’t be in debt. And that’s for starters.”
I can’t believe my ears. The room spins around me. My little secret is out and I’m exposed. As far as what to say from here I’m clueless.
“How long did you expect to get away with it?” Lauren asks calmly, chilling me to the bone, “Mr. Independent over here. You only prove my point. You want to believe you’ve made all these leaps and bounds on your own, when deep inside you know – and so do I – that you’ve been pursuing your dream on my dime. On my credit. And what’s worse is you go about your days without a single semblance of remorse.”
“How long have you…”
“Known you’ve been bleeding my credit behind my back? Long enough” Lauren says blankly.
“It wasn’t supposed to get so out of control. I had only the best”—
“You had only the best intentions in mind” She cuts me off, “I know all about it.”
Embarrassed, broken, and scattered-brained I try to think of something to say but come up empty for some time. Eventually I manage to say, “I never meant to hurt you.”
“Yeah well…” Lauren wipes the tears from her eyes, “You did.”
“I only meant to get us by for a bit. Things just got out of control. I had no idea things would be so hard out here. I was desperate.”
“You weren’t desperate Andrew, you said it yourself, and you were simply chasing the dream.”
“Things were supposed to be different. I was going to pay it back before you noticed. I was just”—
“Serving a greater purpose?” Lauren stands up and composes herself, “What purpose have you served? What have you really achieved since coming out here? Nothing. Yet here you are justifying these acts of weakness and I’m supposed to buy into it because you claim to have a dream? We all have dreams Andrew. Difference is some of us only focus on the dream, where others take the time and steps to make the dream a reality.”
“Like you’re the authority on the subject? What do you know?” I say.
“I know the difference between fact and fiction. I’ve learned through you and our time together that nothing in life is guaranteed. I believe all of us have a path we’re supposed to take and along the way we encounter detours. And these detours take us away from our path for a moment. But eventually we get back on our path. And when another detour comes around, we’re all the more prepared for whatever may come our way.”
“And I suppose I’m one of these detours?”
“No Andrew. You’re a twelve-car-collision. You don’t only hold up the traffic flow, but you hurt and maim as well. And the saddest thing about it all is you have no clue what you do… what you’re doing to yourself… what you’ve done to me…”
“Who’s playing the victim card now?” I say.
“I hardly consider myself a victim… not anymore” Lauren says with a sense of confidence I’ve never seen in her before, “Sure I was confused for awhile. But now I see things differently. And I’ve you to thank for that…”
My mind is twisted. My stomach is in knots. Lauren for the first time has gained hand over me and I’ve no idea which end is up. I couldn’t imagine putting together any words. And to be completely honest, I’m absolutely terrified. Lauren’s managed to somehow figure me out more than I’ve been able to throughout my entire life…
“Sure I can play victim if I want” Lauren says, “Lord knows you’ve given me more than enough reasons to curl up in a ball and fade away – and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t on the cusp – but then one day something clicked and I found a fresh pair of eyes. You haven’t made me a victim at all, you’ve only made me stronger. And funny enough, it’s through your mistakes I’ve found my way. You asked what I wanted from life and like the doormat I’ve been most my life I admitted you were all I wanted. But I see now I was wrong. I didn’t want you I needed you. I needed you to show me life can go from black and white to color in an instant. And with all you’ve put me through I realize my dream… I don’t want fame or fortune or love of a nice house or anything else of the like… I just want me. I just want my life. And moreover, I want to find me and to live my life alone. Because frankly, despite what you may believe, I know deep in my heart I’m strong enough to do it solo.”
It’s all over, I think to myself.
I fucked up royal, I think to myself.
Again, I’m speechless.
“And although you claim to be independent and strong” Lauren keeps on, “Here you are drinking your way through every day while embezzling from the girl you once claimed to love. And all the while I knew what you were doing and said nothing. Why? Because I loved you… now, now I pity you…”
I want to turn the clock back. I want to tell Lauren I loved her and still do. I want to tell her I’ve done all these things for us. But I don’t. I can’t. Because the fact of the matter is she’s right. I’m a coward. I’m living in a shitty-pipe-dream. And the only thing I have to get me through is my acting…
Not the acting I came out here to pursue, mind you…
But an acting of a different sort…
Blending in…
Convincing and believing everything is alright… That I’m on the right track…
When in the harsh reality nothing could be further from the truth…
“So you’re not going to say anything?” Lauren breaks my racing thoughts.
“I…” I start, “I really don’t know what to say…”
“And yet you’ve always been the one with all the answers. It’s a shame really. I truly believe you’ve got what it takes to make it as an actor. Problem is, you expend all that energy in just living your life to the point there’s nothing left.”
I’m scared. I tremble. I want to start over. I cry. Then I say through my tears, “Please Lauren…”
“Please what?”
“Help me… I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m afraid.”
“You still have your dream don’t you?” Lauren says, “That’s a start. That’s all you need, right?”
“I thought so…” I say, still crying, “But now I’m not sure of anything.”
“I’ve been there before. I just needed you to give me a little push. And while you’ve been out chasing your dream I’ve found myself.”
I approach Lauren with arms out hoping for a hug. She takes a step back. Folds her arms. Off limits.
“No” she says, “The moment I let you back into my arms is the moment I lose all I’ve found. And that’s a prospect I’m not willing to consider. Not anymore. I’m through putting others before myself.”
“Okay I fucked up” I plea walking toward Lauren as she backs away, “Just give me another chance. I’ll go back to the way things were. We’ll do it together. Please baby…”
Lauren turns my moment of humility over in mind for a beat. Sighs. Then she says, “There is no together anymore, Andrew. You said it yourself, you’re the type to do it on your own. So do it.”
“But I…” I start but can’t finish.
“But you what?” she inquires.
“But I…” now the tears go full stream, “I can’t do alone.”
“I thought the same thing once” she says, “Until you came along.”
“What does that mean?” I say completely hopeless.
“It means you never knew me. It means you never knew us. It may even mean I know you better than you know yourself – if you even know yourself at all. It means – however ironic – I’ve found myself in this city that’s taken all that was once you away. And you need to get it back.”
“But I don’t know how to do that” I say covered in tears.
“Sure you do” she says, “You do it on your own.”
